I sit with my back flush against a red brick building, my eyes closed. I feel the wind caressing my unshaven face. I hear it rustle the leaves of the nearby trees, soft and then strong, the trees making beautiful music as the wind changes speed. I could be in this moment forever, with the trees and the wind. The gusts get stronger and I relish it, each bough of each tree making slightly different and unique sounds, all coming together to give me that feeling. That feeling that my heart is in rhythm with everything, and I never want to let go.
The people are all shuffling around me trying to get to all the various places, people, and things. They have responsibilities, a life to maintain, loved ones to care for. I am not like them. I have none of those, my life is one of stillness and pain. I stand so long that I begin to grow roots cracking the pavement searching for earth, for water, for something they did not make. They begin to part against me as if an ocean of faces is split by some thing.
All I could smell was her hair… burning. The smoke of the flames began to fill the air and caused me to cough violently. Soon the fire began to devour her face and torso, however she did not scream. With what remained of her face I could see her lips curl into a type of twisted smile as the exposed muscles tried to do their best to enact emotion.
I sit in a room filled with the lost people of the system. Many of them reeking of cigarette smoke and booze. It seems I am the only one that showered. They wear worn shoes or crocs, they talk loud and angrily with their friends and family. They almost scream with rage at whoever is on the other end of their phone. They all look angry or distraught paying no attention to the people around them. I notice the people around them. I see what they themselves can not.
I stand before your towering mass, rigid and clean hews of the stone that makes you what you are. I am dwarfed in comparison, yet what I seek, what I crave, is at the top where your mind is. Where your thinking and feeling parts are. I search for even the slightest imperfection in your stone being, hoping to even attempt the climb, yet there is none. Your rocky surface is as smooth and hard as tempered glass. No, I will not be able to reach you.
The room is shrouded in darkness around me, if you could call it a room. There are no walls just a floor of black concrete and a type of heavy grey mist that swirls where the horizon should be. I have put myself in this place, this empty dark place. I always knew it would end here. Yet I followed my heart, that beating organ that everyone says to listen to. Its voice is now out of sync, there is no melody to its pain or madness, just the high pitched strings deafening me in this quiet place.
I stand in front of a mirror. My face has a large grin on it, my eyes seem to sparkle in the dimly lit bathroom. Always greet the world with a smile! Indeed I did. My cheeks are full with small dimples showing from my smile, my face is warm and inviting. My teeth are the kind of white you would find in a wedding gown. This is always what I am when I meet them, when I engage with them.
I stand alone. The walls are bare and rotting. I can feel them beginning to wake, the floor pulsing beneath me, they were there as they always were. The claws reach up grasping for my calves, clawing at my flesh leaving streaks of blood. More hands reach up from nowhere clinging to my thighs and waist pulling me down, always down.
I see the lights of civilization just over the bluff. The bright street lamps flickering as the cars twist and turn about the city streets. The highrises illuminated with life, with families, with people. Yet they are beyond me, they exist in a world that has no place for one like me. The floorboards in front of the window creak and bough beneath my weight. There are no lights in this house, no life, no families, no people.
My mind is a tangled mess of hate and disappointment. Unable to take the torrent of random emotions, I lay myself down in a bed made for two, but only ever has one. As I drift into sleep the echoes of the past return to haunt my dreams. I see her. In all white she moves towards me with the mask of a smile. She has nothing but malice in her eyes. Yet I find myself smiling, welcoming the pain I must endure for her company. She whispers in either ear all the reasons I have failed, all the ways I don’t measure up. Why she discarded me.