Cut It Out

When I get this way, the way I always get, all I can see are the cracks. The cracks in my perceived reality, the one that is not shared with the rest of the world. My own personal slice of existence.

Cut It Out

I look forward towards the future and nothing seems plausible or real, all unattainable, impossible, meaningless. Pain for the sake of pain, breathing for the sake of breathing. It is in these moments when there is nothing but a shattered future within my grasp I quickly turn and look behind. I look behind to a broken version of myself and my past. Of course she is always there, Blue Eyes, such vibrant blue eyes.

Cut. It. Out.

When I am well I rarely think of her and wish her the best, but when I am like this… All I see are fragments, pieces of something that could have been but never was. It was my fault of course, I was young, foolish, broken. I hoped she would see past all that and she did for a time. I need to forget. I need to forget. But how?

CUT IT OUT

If I could scrape the years of memories we made together away… I wouldn’t, as painful as they are to look back upon. I still remember your laugh and smile, and those blue piercing eyes. When I am like this my mind drudges up the most painful of memories to beat me down, closer and closer to the bottom, and those memories have you in them.

CUT. IT. OUT.

I’ll never forget the last time I saw your eyes those years ago, they were still blue, but faded from the bleakness of reality. They didn’t have the light that they had always had before. Dull and tired. It hurt to see you like… that. Even after all this time, it still hurts. I am weak, I have always been weak, I put on a face for the world, a mask. Very few peer behind it, you did and you didn’t like what you saw, in fact it terrified you. I wish I could sink and never rise, but it is my lot to keep going, ever forward, looking back. 

The people that think rock bottom is as low as you can go, don’t know of the cavernous abyss just below the rubble.

cut it out

cut

it

out

c–

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5 Responses

  1. Wow did I ever feel this. Having just gone through another heartbreak. 6 years later memories of her still can make me gasp, sigh,cringe like im in physical pain.

  2. Thank you, this resonated with me. Not only about heart break but depression in itself too. I hope you are seeing the other side of the abyss on the horizon somewhere. I have recently had a horrendous break up from a toxic relationship, it does pass- eventually. Such a mind to write a powerful poem as this should continue. Clearly I don’t know you or your past but don’t give up on yourself

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