I recently put myself in an old closet and closed the door. In there was an old office chair of mine and some random boxes and a broken computer. Sitting in the chair enveloped by darkness, the only light coming in being from the cracks of the closed door resting against its frame, I realized how much noise there is outside of that room, how much pressure to succeed, to make money, to love, to be loved, is outside of that room.
The man stood looking down upon the rough dirt path with a sense of heaviness. As he took a slow and steady breath he began walking, one foot in front of the other, time and time again. As he walked he felt the muscles in his leg tense with each step forward, all the while his eyes fixed on the path below him.
As I sit here beneath a lofty tree, watching the rain fall, letting the cool wind of the storm stroke my skin, I find voice within myself. This summer storm, with ensuing rain, speaks to the very darkest reaches of me, encouraging, coaxing me to take up pen and bring it to paper. To once again write.
I squabble with myself and my fear, pushing me further down a road I do not want to go down, one well traveled and traversed, filled with self doubt, pain, and longing. I have walked this path many times throughout my brief life and it leads to the same murky abyss in every instance, placid, waiting for me to allow it to devour me.
Within each person there is a tumultuous assault of thoughts that scream through our consciousness, silently, unbeknownst by the ones around us. “Did I leave the stove on?” and “Do I have my keys?” are of the tamer variety, everyday thoughts and worries that are forgotten almost as quickly as they are realized. The others though, the darker ones, the ones deeper that often appear out of nowhere, but we know have always been there, those are the “Am I good enough?” and “Do I deserve love?” that can come unannounced and are much harder to forget. These thoughts are like pebbles in a placid pond, causing ripples and effects just for being thought or contemplated. Ripples that can manifest in our daily lives and interactions, doubting that we deserve love perhaps we miss opportunities for it, or simply don’t notice them as they pass us by struggling with the idea of if we deserve it.