I recently put myself in an old closet and closed the door. In there was an old office chair of mine and some random boxes and a broken computer. Sitting in the chair enveloped by darkness, the only light coming in being from the cracks of the closed door resting against its frame, I realized how much noise there is outside of that room, how much pressure to succeed, to make money, to love, to be loved, is outside of that room.
Within was simply me and anything I brought with me. It struck me how quiet that place was, the goings ons of the house muffled and murmured through the walls as if distant, inconsequential. I came to realize within this was just me, for better or for worse, just me. I became aware that I let all that noise outside that is not in that room affect me in various ways, making my moods shift and wrap around themselves, convincing me that they were loud and thus important. That I lose sight of the calmer me amidst the chaos of life, of trying to achieve for achievements sake, so people will see me and say “Oh look there is Paul”, and all that entails. All the while none of them knowing the inner chaos that rages behind kind eyes. That chaos that seems to feed upon itself like a snake devouring its own tail, trapped in a cycle many do not escape. Even writing this the noise of the world creeps in swaying my desires and wants. My needs. That experience was a reminder that all we are is in that dark room and we choose when to open the door and let the light and noise and life spill in. We must do it carefully and with purpose or it will overwhelm us like it has done to me time and time again. All I can say to myself is to choose wisely and with purpose.