The pain swells up unexpectedly as you sit quietly alone, your mind wanders too close to the abyss, to the depths of your psyche. In that moment you are consumed by pain, throbbing from past mistakes and failures. The pain is so real, so tangible, yet only you can see it, experience it. That is the downfall of psychological pain, it consumes us and cripples us, yet everyone else, the ephemeral “them”, see nothing but a weak individual not following the steps they are suppose to. To them you are just another broken toy, easily discarded and forgotten. Yet you are a person. You matter. Your struggles and pain matters. You overcoming those, matters.
I know you are tired, sick of people telling you what to do that helps, of all the feel good nonsense on the internet, quick highs for even lower lows. When you have an illness you learn to manage it or it learns to manage you, without you knowing. Be vocal, be annoying if that is what it takes to get the support and help you need, so you inch closer and closer away from the edge, away from the abyss.
Too often we find ourselves consumed by our own pain, unable to see, to think, to function. We of course are chastised for our failing to live up to some illusive state of being normal, functional, happy, successful. Yet everyday we draw breath we are all those things and more. Outliers of the statistical bell curve that we find ourselves in, everyday we live we make it a little further from the center.
That is what they will least expect.